Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
people are starting to question the shark bite story
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
