She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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