is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
