Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Everclear isn't food dammit
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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