Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
