Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
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Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
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She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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