The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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