Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
