dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
