soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
