well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
