I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
