Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
