That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
