So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
