can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
