Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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