from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
