Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
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I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
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I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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