no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
