3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
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