You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
