i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
