I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
