I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
