Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
