MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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