I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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