I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
