Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
