My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize