It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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