Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We need to rekindle our bromance
no you cant smoke seaweed
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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