We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
