I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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