i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
