the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Is Oprah even human
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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