I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
