Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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