I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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