Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
