just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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