there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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