you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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