Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
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