someone threw a dead crab at me
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
