I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
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FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
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All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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