just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
