I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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