Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
