That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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