did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
