Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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