Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
