i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Alive.
So much puke
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Randomize
