I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
