Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
