i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
