I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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